In Which I Make the Case for My Own Institutionalization

That word is way too long.

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What I'm about to write is something I'm not sure I've ever told anyone, mainly because I'm afraid of how they would react and that they would treat me differently.

For most of my life, I was alone. I had my parents and my brothers and cousins, etc, but my parents worked a lot, and my brothers and I never really got along. But that's not what I mean by alone, what I mean is that for most of my life, I didn't really have many, if any, friends. When I was little, still in elementary school, my shyness explained that pretty well. I was a shy kid, so I didn't go up to the other kids and I didn't make many friends.

To clarify, it's not like I never talked to anyone in any of my classes. I would talk to the other students, and there would be kids who I would look for during lunch. After I went into middle school, however, I started making less and less "friends." I didn't really go over to my friends' houses or hang out with anyone after school, and even in many of my classes I started keeping to myself mainly. This pattern, of staying silent in class and then going straight home after school, followed me into high school, but this time there was a difference.

I made a few friends, and one of those introduced me to his friends, and then I made more friends. But still, for the most part, I followed the pattern, at least when it came to what I did after school. Sure, I hung out for a bit while my friends waited to be picked up (I walked home), but that was it.

Really, between... I dunno, maybe 4th grade and 11th grade, I wasn't invited to anyone's house or to many birthday parties. And for the longest time, I'm not sure it bothered me that much, because I didn't really know what I was missing.

Anyway, the point is that I think because I spent the majority of my time alone, I was forced to adapt and think differently from other people. Now I'm not sure how other people think, but when it comes to me, it's more like having a conversation with a small group of people rather than just my thoughts occurring. If I ever questioned what I should do in a situation, instead of just thinking to myself "No, I shouldn't do this" or "I'm going for it," I would think "No, you shouldn't do this" or "We should do it." Instead of thinking in the first person, I would think as if I was multiple people. I wasn't just the person wondering if he should do something or the person saying whether or not I should do something, I would think as if I was both.

I would switch between using "I" and "we" and "you" without having to think about it. The thing about this is that I don't do this while speaking, and I know there isn't anyone else in my head aside from me, but I continue to think in this way. I don't imagine people to be there when they aren't, I don't hallucinate in any kind of way, I just think as if I'm thinking for multiple people or as if I'm talking to someone else (who's also me?).

On a side note, I think this is, for example, why it's so difficult for me to work against not procrastinating or against my own laziness. Instead of seeing it as something that I have ultimate control over, I see it as an aspect of my personality that I'm under control of, and that I have to work around. If I want to exercise, I can't just get up and run everyday, I have to find a way to make it entertaining for myself, because I know that if I don't, I won't continue to run. Maybe it's like that for everyone else, I'm not sure, but I don't think that's normal.

I'm by no means attempting to make excuses for myself. I know that anything I do or don't do is because I decided to or not to do it, so don't think this is all just me trying to garner some pity.

It's just something I needed to get out, if only for the sole purpose of convincing myself that I'm not crazy.