Wednesday, April 21, 2010

'Til We Die

'Til We Die is a song off of Slipknot's latest album, All Hope is Gone.

When I first heard it, it wasn't really one of my favorite songs. I liked it, but it just didn't sound like Slipknot to me.

Recently, as probably shown by my last post, I went through (and it could be argued that I still am) a rough-spot in my friendship with a certain friend of mine. It brought up many thoughts of how alone I've been for most of my life, and also of how I might be that way for a long time.

I think it was because of this that I found meaning in 'Til We Die, and why now, I can't stop listening to it. (I also watched a video of Slipknot playing the last song in their set for Download '09, in which they ended the concert and playing a recording of 'Til We Die as the huddled in the middle of the stage and then walked off.)

On the surface, 'Til We Die is a tribute to the bonds created and held between the member of Slipknot. It's about how they've been fighting a war and because of that they've become closer than ever before. It's about how their group is more than just a band, it's a family, a family that goes beyond bonds of blood.

At its core, it's a tribute to that kind of relationship, to the people who create their own families full of people who have gone through many hardships together and will always be there for each other.

While I might not have that at the moment, it gives me hope for the future. Watching the band on stage, watching Corey Taylor (the lead singer) express his love not just for the band but also for all the fans, watching them embrace each other after they were done playing... it makes me want that, it gives me hope that one day, I will have that kind of family.

Even if it isn't for a while.

~~~~~~~~

'Til We Die

My friends are all hurting from moments and regrets and charity laced with a lie
And still we keep hoping, to fix all the defects and strengthen these seminal ties
We go on together for better or worse, our history is too real to hate
Now and forever we stay until morning, and promise to fight for our fate

'Til we die
'Til we die

The start of the journey is every bit worth it, I can't let you down anymore
The sky is still clearing, we're never afraid and the consequence opens the door
I've never stopped trying, I've never stopped feeling like family is much more than blood
Don't go on without me, the piece that I represent complements each and every one

'Til we die
'Til we die

We won't be forgotten, we'll never give in
This war we've achieved has allowed us to win

'Til we die
'Til we die

My last true confession will open your eyes, I've never known trust like the Nine
Let it be spoken, let it be screamed, they'll never ever take us alive

'Til we die
'Til we die

We won't be forgotten, we'll never give in
This war we've achieved has allowed us to win

Carry on
Carry on

We'll never be broken, we won't be denied, our war is the pressure we need to unite
We'll never be broken, we won't be denied, our war is the pressure we need to unite

'Til we die
'Til we die

We won't be forgotten, we'll never give in
This war we've achieved has allowed us to win

Carry on
Carry on

We'll never be broken, we won't be denied, our war is the pressure we need to unite

'Til we die
'Til we die
'Til we die

We won't be forgotten, we'll never give in
This war we've achieved has allowed us to win
We'll never be broken, we won't be denied, our war is the pressure we need to unite

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

In Which I Make the Case for My Own Institutionalization

That word is way too long.
~~~~~

What I'm about to write is something I'm not sure I've ever told anyone, mainly because I'm afraid of how they would react and that they would treat me differently.

For most of my life, I was alone. I had my parents and my brothers and cousins, etc, but my parents worked a lot, and my brothers and I never really got along. But that's not what I mean by alone, what I mean is that for most of my life, I didn't really have many, if any, friends. When I was little, still in elementary school, my shyness explained that pretty well. I was a shy kid, so I didn't go up to the other kids and I didn't make many friends.

To clarify, it's not like I never talked to anyone in any of my classes. I would talk to the other students, and there would be kids who I would look for during lunch. After I went into middle school, however, I started making less and less "friends." I didn't really go over to my friends' houses or hang out with anyone after school, and even in many of my classes I started keeping to myself mainly. This pattern, of staying silent in class and then going straight home after school, followed me into high school, but this time there was a difference.

I made a few friends, and one of those introduced me to his friends, and then I made more friends. But still, for the most part, I followed the pattern, at least when it came to what I did after school. Sure, I hung out for a bit while my friends waited to be picked up (I walked home), but that was it.

Really, between... I dunno, maybe 4th grade and 11th grade, I wasn't invited to anyone's house or to many birthday parties. And for the longest time, I'm not sure it bothered me that much, because I didn't really know what I was missing.

Anyway, the point is that I think because I spent the majority of my time alone, I was forced to adapt and think differently from other people. Now I'm not sure how other people think, but when it comes to me, it's more like having a conversation with a small group of people rather than just my thoughts occurring. If I ever questioned what I should do in a situation, instead of just thinking to myself "No, I shouldn't do this" or "I'm going for it," I would think "No, you shouldn't do this" or "We should do it." Instead of thinking in the first person, I would think as if I was multiple people. I wasn't just the person wondering if he should do something or the person saying whether or not I should do something, I would think as if I was both.

I would switch between using "I" and "we" and "you" without having to think about it. The thing about this is that I don't do this while speaking, and I know there isn't anyone else in my head aside from me, but I continue to think in this way. I don't imagine people to be there when they aren't, I don't hallucinate in any kind of way, I just think as if I'm thinking for multiple people or as if I'm talking to someone else (who's also me?).

On a side note, I think this is, for example, why it's so difficult for me to work against not procrastinating or against my own laziness. Instead of seeing it as something that I have ultimate control over, I see it as an aspect of my personality that I'm under control of, and that I have to work around. If I want to exercise, I can't just get up and run everyday, I have to find a way to make it entertaining for myself, because I know that if I don't, I won't continue to run. Maybe it's like that for everyone else, I'm not sure, but I don't think that's normal.

I'm by no means attempting to make excuses for myself. I know that anything I do or don't do is because I decided to or not to do it, so don't think this is all just me trying to garner some pity.

It's just something I needed to get out, if only for the sole purpose of convincing myself that I'm not crazy.