'Til We Die

'Til We Die is a song off of Slipknot's latest album, All Hope is Gone.

When I first heard it, it wasn't really one of my favorite songs. I liked it, but it just didn't sound like Slipknot to me.

Recently, as probably shown by my last post, I went through (and it could be argued that I still am) a rough-spot in my friendship with a certain friend of mine. It brought up many thoughts of how alone I've been for most of my life, and also of how I might be that way for a long time.

I think it was because of this that I found meaning in 'Til We Die, and why now, I can't stop listening to it. (I also watched a video of Slipknot playing the last song in their set for Download '09, in which they ended the concert and playing a recording of 'Til We Die as the huddled in the middle of the stage and then walked off.)

On the surface, 'Til We Die is a tribute to the bonds created and held between the member of Slipknot. It's about how they've been fighting a war and because of that they've become closer than ever before. It's about how their group is more than just a band, it's a family, a family that goes beyond bonds of blood.

At its core, it's a tribute to that kind of relationship, to the people who create their own families full of people who have gone through many hardships together and will always be there for each other.

While I might not have that at the moment, it gives me hope for the future. Watching the band on stage, watching Corey Taylor (the lead singer) express his love not just for the band but also for all the fans, watching them embrace each other after they were done playing... it makes me want that, it gives me hope that one day, I will have that kind of family.

Even if it isn't for a while.

~~~~~~~~

'Til We Die

My friends are all hurting from moments and regrets and charity laced with a lie

And still we keep hoping, to fix all the defects and strengthen these seminal ties

We go on together for better or worse, our history is too real to hate

Now and forever we stay until morning, and promise to fight for our fate

'Til we die

'Til we die

The start of the journey is every bit worth it, I can't let you down anymore

The sky is still clearing, we're never afraid and the consequence opens the door

I've never stopped trying, I've never stopped feeling like family is much more than blood

Don't go on without me, the piece that I represent complements each and every one

'Til we die

'Til we die

We won't be forgotten, we'll never give in

This war we've achieved has allowed us to win

'Til we die

'Til we die

My last true confession will open your eyes, I've never known trust like the Nine

Let it be spoken, let it be screamed, they'll never ever take us alive

'Til we die

'Til we die

We won't be forgotten, we'll never give in

This war we've achieved has allowed us to win

Carry on

Carry on

We'll never be broken, we won't be denied, our war is the pressure we need to unite

We'll never be broken, we won't be denied, our war is the pressure we need to unite

'Til we die

'Til we die

We won't be forgotten, we'll never give in

This war we've achieved has allowed us to win

Carry on

Carry on

We'll never be broken, we won't be denied, our war is the pressure we need to unite

'Til we die

'Til we die

'Til we die

We won't be forgotten, we'll never give in

This war we've achieved has allowed us to win

We'll never be broken, we won't be denied, our war is the pressure we need to unite

In Which I Make the Case for My Own Institutionalization

That word is way too long.

~~~~~

What I'm about to write is something I'm not sure I've ever told anyone, mainly because I'm afraid of how they would react and that they would treat me differently.

For most of my life, I was alone. I had my parents and my brothers and cousins, etc, but my parents worked a lot, and my brothers and I never really got along. But that's not what I mean by alone, what I mean is that for most of my life, I didn't really have many, if any, friends. When I was little, still in elementary school, my shyness explained that pretty well. I was a shy kid, so I didn't go up to the other kids and I didn't make many friends.

To clarify, it's not like I never talked to anyone in any of my classes. I would talk to the other students, and there would be kids who I would look for during lunch. After I went into middle school, however, I started making less and less "friends." I didn't really go over to my friends' houses or hang out with anyone after school, and even in many of my classes I started keeping to myself mainly. This pattern, of staying silent in class and then going straight home after school, followed me into high school, but this time there was a difference.

I made a few friends, and one of those introduced me to his friends, and then I made more friends. But still, for the most part, I followed the pattern, at least when it came to what I did after school. Sure, I hung out for a bit while my friends waited to be picked up (I walked home), but that was it.

Really, between... I dunno, maybe 4th grade and 11th grade, I wasn't invited to anyone's house or to many birthday parties. And for the longest time, I'm not sure it bothered me that much, because I didn't really know what I was missing.

Anyway, the point is that I think because I spent the majority of my time alone, I was forced to adapt and think differently from other people. Now I'm not sure how other people think, but when it comes to me, it's more like having a conversation with a small group of people rather than just my thoughts occurring. If I ever questioned what I should do in a situation, instead of just thinking to myself "No, I shouldn't do this" or "I'm going for it," I would think "No, you shouldn't do this" or "We should do it." Instead of thinking in the first person, I would think as if I was multiple people. I wasn't just the person wondering if he should do something or the person saying whether or not I should do something, I would think as if I was both.

I would switch between using "I" and "we" and "you" without having to think about it. The thing about this is that I don't do this while speaking, and I know there isn't anyone else in my head aside from me, but I continue to think in this way. I don't imagine people to be there when they aren't, I don't hallucinate in any kind of way, I just think as if I'm thinking for multiple people or as if I'm talking to someone else (who's also me?).

On a side note, I think this is, for example, why it's so difficult for me to work against not procrastinating or against my own laziness. Instead of seeing it as something that I have ultimate control over, I see it as an aspect of my personality that I'm under control of, and that I have to work around. If I want to exercise, I can't just get up and run everyday, I have to find a way to make it entertaining for myself, because I know that if I don't, I won't continue to run. Maybe it's like that for everyone else, I'm not sure, but I don't think that's normal.

I'm by no means attempting to make excuses for myself. I know that anything I do or don't do is because I decided to or not to do it, so don't think this is all just me trying to garner some pity.

It's just something I needed to get out, if only for the sole purpose of convincing myself that I'm not crazy.

Journal Entry 03/08/10

03/08/2010 - 8:58 PM

I woke up today to see that my iPhone had absolutely no music on it. After about ten minutes of turning on my laptop, starting up iTunes, attempting to synch my iPhone, restarting iTunes because it froze, and then finally being able to synch my iPhone, I got my music back. I cannot say how glad I was, without my music I'm sure I'd go insane. It's a crutch I don't mind having.

Got to my campus at around 8:30 (I take classes at the campus south of the city I live in) and, as usual, waited for my friends at the cafeteria. Wanna guess how I spent the half-hour? (Here's a hint: I leaned on my crutch the whole time).

After they got there, we started talking about random shit, and at one point we got to talking about love and relationships. One of my friends, the friend that I have feelings for, said how she's cynical about love, how she doesn't like the feeling of vulnerability that comes with being in a relationship, but at the same time does like the feeling of being in love, just not the realization of how vulnerable she was after the feeling love has gone. Being the optimistic skeptic that I am, I said how the biggest testament to loving someone that you can make is making yourself vulnerable. Love is giving your heart to someone, knowing full well they can either take care of it or crush it. (Forgive me for saying such a clichéd line but) Seeing as Rome wasn't built in a day, neither of us changed our minds on the subject.

I was tempted over and over again to say how I would never do anything to hurt her if we were in a relationship, but I held my tongue, no need to add any more tension our friendship than I might already have by telling her (multiple times) how I feel about her.

Afterward we just kept talking about random shit until time came for us to go to our classes (well, for one to go do lab hours).

Lemme just say right now, some professors really have an ego. My history professor wants to take her World History classes to the Holocaust Museum down at Miami Beach, but I can't go because we have to go during class time and I have a lecture class right after hers which I cannot miss. Knowing, she's still gonna count my not going as an absence. Fucking bitch. I'm not gonna miss another class just for her class.

Then I went to my astronomy class, took notes, left and went to the mall in my city to check if GameStop was allowing preorders for Birth by Sleep. No luck there, gonna have to check back on Saturday.

Feeling bored I stopped by the Borders and found this interesting manga called Pandora Hearts by Jun Mochizuki. It's about a 15 year old boy who is sent to the Abyss, a prison of sorts, and ends up becoming attached to a chain, a denizen of the Abyss, called Alice. With rabbits, cards, a girl named Alice and other such things, it's clear to see one of the manga's major influences (no really, you can pretty much tell before the first chapter is over). Unfortunately only the first volume has come out in English, but the next one comes out in May, which I guess is fine.

Then I got in my car (bought the manga by the way) and started driving home, but on the way there I saw my friend Danny walking, so I decided to give him a lift to his house, which was on the way to mine. We caught up a bit before I dropped him off and went back to my house.

As for the rest of the day, it's been pretty normal I guess. Listened to music (mainly Slipknot), wasted time on Facebook and Twitter, read my webcomics and blogs, chatted with friends, etc.

Tomorrow I'm going with a friend of mine to find applications for stores at the malls here and any other stores we can find. Needless to say, we're desperate for some cash (her moreso than me).

9:31 PM

I Still Feel Sick

Note: This was written on September of 2008. It is NOT based on my own experiences, mainly on what I've heard (from experts and those who've experienced) and have deduced. I wrote it because I wanted to experiment with physical word placement and its effect on the poem and the reader.

When a friend of mine, who does do drugs and has been through it, read it, she told me it was like if I had gone through drug addiction.

"Life is Beautiful" by Sixx: A.M. Analysis

"Life is Beautiful" is the third track on Sixx: A.M.'s debut album "The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack," a soundtrack to Nikki Sixx's autobiography "The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star," a 432 page collection of diary entries written by Nikki Sixx between Christmas 1986 to Christmas 1987.

Lyrics (From www.sing365.com):

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't
I've done things that you won't
There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Analysis:

The first two stanzas are basically a list of actions that seem to be contradictions,

"You can't quit until you try

You can't live until you die

You can't learn to tell the truth

Until you learn to lie

You can't breath until you choke

You gotta laugh when you're the joke

There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive"

This is to set up the premise of the song as stated in the chorus,

"Just open your eyes,

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful."

The narrator is telling the listener that in order to appreciate or even just to realize that life is beautiful you have to open your eyes first, which by the first two stanzas can be assumed to mean that you have to experience both the good and the bad of what life has to offer, "quit/try, life/die, truth/lie, breathe/choke, laugh/when you're the joke, funeral/feel alive." He repeats "Just open your eyes" in order to reinforce the necessity of opening your eyes.

"Will you swear on your life

That no one will cry at my funeral?"

These two lines serve to simply reiterate the importance of appreciating both the good and the bad of being alive. Yes, the death of a loved one is a painful experience, but that does not make it a purely negative aspect of life. How could you truly appreciate being alive if you lived indefinitely? By asking the listener to swear that no one will cry at his funeral, the narrator doesn't mean that no one should physically keep themselves from crying, but that instead of mourning his death, they should look at it as another beautiful aspect of life.

The next stanza, I believe, is a more personal message from the writer,

"I know some things that you don't,

I've done things that you won't.

There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home."

The fact is that Nikki Sixx has done a lot of things that people probably shouldn't be doing (ex. hard drugs), so he's telling the listener about his somewhat unique experiences, explaining that he has a somewhat unique perspective, "I know somethings that you don't," due to these experiences, "I've done things that you won't." In the third line, Sixx uses "trail of blood" as a metaphor for harmful experiences one might endure and "home" as that place of serenity and peace in order to share his opinion, possibly sarcastically, that in order to reach that place of serenity and peace, you have to first endure some hardship.

The final stanza before the singer repeats the chorus,

"I was waiting for my hearse,

What came next was so much worse.

It took a funeral to make me feel alive."

describes, what I assume to be, Sixx's experience of almost dying from a drug overdose, but instead surviving it to the horror of someone close to him dying instead of him. "I was waiting for my hearse," means that he was expecting to die. "What came next was so much worse." means his realization that someone else had died. "It took a funeral to make me feel alive." means that it took the death of someone close to him for him to "feel alive," recalling the final contradiction he makes in the second stanza, "There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive."

In general this song can be seen has having three parts. The first is the introduction, Nikki Sixx's working up to the idea that you need to experience the bad in order to appreciate the good in life. The second is a personal story of how he came to realize this personal truth. The third is the truth itself, that you have to open your eyes to see the beauty in life and that even death is a beautiful part of life.